Creating the Right Atmosphere for Your Marriage to Be Healthy (Marriage Retreat, Session 1)

Bro. Hughes started Friday night's session by reading Ephesians 5:15-25.  His title was "Creating the Right Atmosphere for Your Marriage to Be Healthy."  I took nine pages of notes.  Many are just bullet points, but here we go:

Not everything is a spiritual problem.  You can't solve physical problems spiritually.
My thoughts:  This is one of the key points I took away from this retreat.  We love to quote Matthew 17:21, "Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting." and Mark 9:29, "And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting."  Both of these verses are about the same event.  Jesus cast a deaf and dumb spirit out of a boy.  That was a spiritual problem.  When I have 6 loads of laundry to do, prayer and fasting aren't going to solve that problem.  That's a physical (and often smelly) problem.  Not every issue in a marriage or family is a spiritual issue.  Yes, we need to pray for our marriages and families, but praying then giving the silent treatment aren't going to fix anything.

You have to work really hard at messing up marriage.
Marriage works because God designed it to work.  There are no shortcuts to marriage.  There will be hard times, but marriage will always work if you let it.

The Right to Be Happy
In the past 20 years the question has changed from "is divorce a heaven or hell issue?" to "don't I have a right to be happy?"  The Declaration of Independence lists "three unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." We've put a big emphasis on happiness as a "right" but it is the pursuit of happiness. If you want to be happy, you have to chase it because it's running!  No one else can make you happy.

Two thirds of the marriages in the world are arranged.
Arranged marriages last longer than many marriages where couples are allowed that choose their own mate.  Arranged marriages work because marriage works.

Going from an Adult to Six Years Old
We go from an adult to six years old in an instant when we are angry.  Adults can't think more maturely than a 6 year old when angry.

What keeps families together?
We've heard it over and over "the family that prays together, stays together."  Brother Hughes says, "the family that plays together, stays together."  When problems start you stop enjoying life.
Ephesians 4:1 "I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called."  The word worthy means balance.  Good times give you resources to endure the hard times.

I was thinking about this early the next morning.  Les and I have a lot of fun together.  The word we use most often is "adventure."  We've hiked the Grand Canyon, kayaked the Napali Coast, mountain biked on Mt. Etna.  We have traveled so many places together.  The key word is together.  We have also had hard times - the death of family members, hospitalizations, job losses, and bike accidents.  We have endured those together.  Our play times have helped us through our difficulties. 

Every Cause
In Matthew 19:3-6, the Pharisees asked Jesus, "Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?"  They were looking for a reason for marriage to fail.  Jesus' response was, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."  God made man and woman for marriage.
Who you marry is up to you, but God made sure the marriage bond would work.  Marriage is the will of God.

Study of men and women going to sleep
3800 participants - 1900 men, 1900 women
When the male brain is going to sleep - the problem solving center is active.
When the female brain is going to sleep - the language center is active.  She's still talking!
Although we are different, even opposites, we can still make marriage work.

You can't parent one another.  
Don't try to fix each other.
Every human typically plays three roles in life:  child, adult, parent.
Relationships can only be on equal levels.  You can only be friends with someone on your same level (you are not your child's friend.)  When you become a parent don't stay in that role with each other.  Parent your children, not each other.  Be careful how you talk to one another. Odds that your marriage will make it to 50 years is 2.5%.  That is such a sad statistic!  This happens when a couple becomes empty nesters but they haven't spent their parenting years relating to one another as equals.

Create an atmosphere of making a healthy marriage. 
Most people marry someone they've known less than 5 years. Our differences make us stronger.  We choose how to have a good life.

Quit reading all the stupid books!  They don't work.  
I loved this point!  Bro. Hughes said don't expect a book to fix your marriage.  You can't read a book and think "if only my husband/wife would do this, our marriage would be perfect."  You have to talk to each other.  Have fun.  Play.  Keep God in the picture. 

Don't blame the devil.  
The devil can't read your mind, but he reads your face and he hears your conversation.  He will use that to send temptations and problems because he sees the weakness of your flesh.
Our problems are caused by our flesh most of the time.
Philippians 4:7 says the peace of God keeps your mind.   Spirituality is defined by how often you fight your flesh.

The only thing you need to be a jerk is an opportunity.
Ephesians 4:11-13
Preaching is to get us to stop acting like a 6 year old kid.

1 Corinthians chapter 13 is the love chapter
Verse 11 says, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."  This is still talking about love.
We have to learn how to get rid of the kid inside.  Most people live on the corner of junior and jerk.  But a healthy marriage is when we put away the selfish kid inside.

I left Friday night's session with so much great information!  And this was just the beginning...

Bathroom Remodel Revealed!

We embarked upon our downstairs bathroom remodel on July 5th.  As with any home project, it blossomed into more than we had planned, but the end result was more than we hoped for!

I didn't take any pictures of the floor before Les started tearing it out.  It was the original hardwood that was put in when the house was built in 1987.  I'm pretty sure the fixtures, wallpaper, and honey oak cabinets were also all original.

Our demolition took a couple of days.  Les pulled out the floor and I took down the wall paper.  Then it was time to pick out tile and paint.  We went with a light mint green.  We have had this particular picture for years, it's been sitting in a closet just waiting to be hung again!

We also bought new light fixtures, towel holder and toilet paper holder.

You can tell when I took a picture with the lights on - much more a yellow glow to the room...

 

Les sent me a text from Lowe's one day that said, "This is tile that looks like wood.  Hmm."  This ended up being a winner!  Then it was time to start figuring out how to lay and cut.  Spaced evenly, special cuts to go around the toilet...

This is not true to color, but you can see how the spacing was done.

We numbered each tile before taking it back up.  Then it was time for leveling and thin set...

I'm very blessed to be married to an engineer!!  He can figure anything out!  Many would have started in the back corner and worked their way out of the room, but Les knew that would leave the entryway looking less than ideal :)  I wore my "gopher" hat that day.  Les finished by working from inside the tub while I was handing him everything he needed.  Anyone want to guess how he got out??

  

Once the tile was set and grout put in, it seemed like the project would never end!  The "only" thing left was getting the toilet back in.  The toilet went in fine, but the tank would not sit right.  As soon as Les turned on the water we had a river!  After many trips back and forth to Do It Center, several minor adjustments, all the seals were replaced and we were finally back in business!  Without paying a plumber!

I'm thrilled with the white cabinets.  They make the room seem so much brighter and cleaner!

The room is very narrow, so here is the best "after" shot I could get!  We are both really happy with how it turned out!

Home Improvements

Our house was built in 1987. We bought it in 2001. We've done a lot of work through the years, but there are a couple of rooms that haven't been touched. One is our downstairs bathroom. The toilet had a leak at some point and damaged the wood floor. Les pulled out the toilet on Saturday and tried to decide if he could just repair around it. He ended up tearing out the entire floor!

After talking it over, I decided to go ahead and strip the 1980s wallpaper while we are at it.  That's my project for today.  Then we plan to paint and put in tile (and when I say "we" I mean we will pick out the paint and tile and Les will do the work!)  I'll post the after pictures soon (I hope!)

Continuous Effort

 Today's Runner's World quote of the day is awesome!

Anything we accomplish is going to come from continuous effort. The IQ of a genius doesn't guarantee success.  Knowing and doing are two different things.  Whether it's Bible reading, soul winning, prayer time, weight loss, exercise, building a business, graduating from college - we will never know our potential without continuous effort.

A college athlete who wasn't considered a "natural" but had a very successful career once said, "Hard work beats talent when talent won't work hard."  We've all met them - the gifted, the naturals who never reach their potential.  They're content to do only what comes naturally and easy, never pushing themselves to be amazing or outstanding.  We've also seen the "average" ones who go on to become great, because of continuous effort.

Unfortunately, my house isn't going to get cleaned today without major, continuous effort!  But I know it has the potential to look and smell really good when it's clean, so it will be worth the effort!

Time Not Wasted

Another weekend has come and gone.   Did you wake up a little tired from your efforts?  We had a great service last night, the praise team poured out and helped usher in the presence of the Lord.  Pastor McGriffin preached about God using nothing.  I know our church family in Burbank is exhausted - Youth Alive took place! 

Perhaps your work took place behind the scenes.  I know a bunch of ladies in Burbank who cooked, served, and cleaned.  Maybe you taught a Sunday school class in the back of the building.  Or you ran the sound system and no one noticed because you did your job perfectly (the sound is usually only noticed when something goes wrong.)  You held a child so her parents could pray.  You were the first in pre-service prayer.

Did anybody say thank you?  Or did you go home exhausted and drained, wondering if you made a difference in the kingdom?  Your answer is found in First Corinthians 15:58, "Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord."

Paul says, your labor is not in vain.  It doesn't matter what type of labor, whatever your work in the kingdom is, it is not in vain!  

I like God's Word Translation:

So, then, brothers and sisters, don’t let anyone move you off the foundation of your faith. Always excel in the work you do for the Lord. You know that the hard work you do for the Lord is not pointless.

And the Amplified Version:

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be firm (steadfast), immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord [always being superior, excelling, doing more than enough in the service of the Lord], knowing and being continually aware that your labor in the Lord is not futile [it is never wasted or to no purpose]. 

Thank you for your work!  It's not in vain.  Your time in the kingdom is not wasted.  Now catch your breath, Sunday is coming!

All You Need

I posted this quote on my marathon blog this morning:

I don't have a runner's body, but I have a runner's heart - and that is all you need. 
~ Army Sergeant Jennifer Morris, Runner's World Challenger currently deployed to Bagram, Afghanistan

We can accomplish so much when our heart is in the effort.  Read your Bible, it's not the giant killing the kid with the sling, but it's David calling on the name of the Lord and watching the giant fall.  It wasn't the religious leaders, who had perfected following the Law, but it was fishermen and tax collectors who Jesus called to do a great work on this earth.  God rarely used the people who looked the part - it was those with a heart for Him and His kingdom.

Never doubt your ability to be useful in God's kingdom.  Put your heart into it and just watch how God will bless your efforts!

Quality vs. Quantity

One thing I'm learning in my marathon training is the difference between quality and quantity.  In the past I have run 40 to 50 miles in a week, but not pushed the pace.  Now I am running about 30 miles, but running with a focus.  One day I'll run 5 easy miles, the next I'll run 5 miles of hills, then a long slow distance.  Each day has a different focus with a certain time involved.  I can tell I'm getting stronger, even though I'm running shorter distances.

It's the same way with what we eat.  Eat an apple and you'll be satisfied for quite a while.  Have a 100 calorie snack pack and you'll be looking for more in a 30 minutes, and something else in an hour.

The Pharisees were all about quantity and making sure everyone saw it.  They fasted twice a week and payed tithe on everything.  Neither of things are wrong, they're actually good things.  But the quality of the Pharisees' lives were such that Jesus called them hypocrites seven times in Matthew chapter 23!

Ecclesiastes 9:10 says, "Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might"  Maybe you don't feel like you have a lot of talent ~ it doesn't matter.  Whatever you do, give if your best. 

“The person born with a talent they are meant to use will find their greatest happiness in using it. ”
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Your talent determines what you can do. Your motivation determines how much you are willing to do. Your attitude determines how well you do it.”
~ Lou Holtz

Amounting to Something

We really begin to amount to something to men and to God
When we are careful to do a kindness
And careless about who gets the credit for it.
~Unknown

What a great thought! So many want to be great for God, but think only the great ones are those who are seen.

As I was thinking about this quote a person came to mind who lives this. She isn't interested in being up front, but she works as hard as anyone in our church. In fact if an announcement needs to be made for the Ladies Department, she'll do her best to get someone else to make it!

Our Ladies leader, Sis. Nancy Ayala, is the best. It doesn't matter if it's Youth Alive, Toys for Tots, a funeral, or one of the many special services at Victory Tabernacle, if you want Sis. Nancy she'll be in the kitchen! No one is going home hungry after one of our events. Sis. Nancy always manages to have enough food on hand, even if it means sending her husband or one of her sons to the store five minutes before serving time! She won't sit down until everyone is served and she's the first one back in the kitchen at cleanup time.

I'm glad to count Sis. Nancy as one of my friends. She's a true woman of God, who knows how to pray, and is probably going to be a little embarrassed that I wrote this about her!

There are many Sis. Nancys in our churches, you just have to look really hard to find them since they're busy doing and not worried about being seen.

To the Sis. Nancys in the world - thanks for all you do! And to our Sis. Nancy, I love and appreciate you very much!

The Glamorous Life of an Executive

I don't know if I've ever given Les' job title on my blog. In his current position he is Vice President of Product and Technology for Berkeley Aviation. Quite a mouthful! Now before you get too envious, it's not all private jets and limos. Let me tell you about his most recent week of work:

It all began last Thursday. A project they had been working on was brought to an abrupt halt. This necessitated a trip to the home office in Des Moines, Iowa. Plans were confirmed Friday afternoon with meetings scheduled for Monday morning. This meant a Sunday afternoon flight. That's when it got really fun...

Les taught our adult Sunday school class, then we left church a little early so I could get him to the airport for his 1:00 flight. His 1:00 flight that left at 1:30. Not too bad considering air travel these days.

For some reason, there are no direct flights from Los Angeles to Des Moines. You just can't get there from here. You have to go somewhere else first. It's either Phoenix or Denver or Saint Paul or Dallas. Lovely places, but not where he needed to be. Sunday's flight took him to Dallas.

His flight from Dallas to Des Moines was about an hour late boarding. Of course, then they sat on the tarmac for a while. With the temperature reading 90. They were finally in line for takeoff when their plane pulled out of line. A women who was drunk started vomiting all over herself. They returned to their gate where she was promptly handcuffed. Everyone was taken off the plane while they waited for it to be cleaned. About an hour later they finally took off.

After some bumpy weather getting to Des Moines, Les was finally at his destination ~ about 2 1/2 hours later than planned. I got this email from him at 11:03 p.m. California time:

"Saga continues. Budget was closed. Hertz was only one open but out of cars. Now in a taxi going to Moose Lodge."

That's right - he arrived in Des Moines at about 1:00 in the morning, only to find no rental car available! He asked the Hertz employees why they were the only ones working when they didn't have any cars. Guess they were getting paid whether they rented any cars out or not. He said the final straw would have been if his room had been given away! Fortunately it wasn't and he was finally able to go to bed.

The following morning he took a taxi to the office. During his lunch break a co-worker took him back to the airport so he could pick up his rental car. Of course the car he had reserved was gone, but he was able to get something.

After three days of meetings he headed back home. His flights yesterday were gloriously on time! This time he flew through Phoenix. We exchanged a few emails while he was in Phoenix. I asked if he was going to be hungry when he got here. He replied, "Yes, I'll be hungry. Lunch was a Nutrigrain bar and chocolate milk." So I picked him up at the airport and we grabbed a quick bite to eat before making it to Bible study a few minutes late last night.

And now you've seen just a little bit of the Glamorous Life of an Executive!