When Christmas Punches You in the Heart

I've written a lot about Christmas during my ten years of blogging.  I plan to re-post some of those in the next days or weeks.  I've shared about my first Christmas after Rod passed away, Crying Over Jingle Bell Rock, but I've never shared the first time I heard "The Christmas Shoes."

I'm pretty sure it was December 1998.  Mom had only been gone a couple of months.  I have no idea what the church Christmas program was about that year, but I do remember someone singing "The Christmas Shoes."  Somehow I had never heard that song before.  I was so completely unprepared for it...

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if mama meets Jesus tonight

It was the words in the second verse that hit the hardest:

He said mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without...

My Mom loved Christmas.  She loved giving gifts to her family.  She loved making candy and giving it away.  Her birthday was one week later on New Year's Day and she often got the "it's for your birthday and Christmas" gifts with little celebration.

When I heard that song that night, I just sat with tears streaming down my face.  Oh how I missed her!  The most wonderful time of the year hurt so much.  Twenty years later, Mom is still missed.

Maybe this is your first Christmas without someone.  All the hearts singing and bells ringing when loved ones are near is just a reminder of your loss.  It is going to hurt.  Don't be afraid to cry.  You don't have to explain yourself.  Many of us have been there.  That punch to the heart is a reminder of love you've shared.  But with the pain I hope you will take time to remember the joy they brought. Recreate a special tradition, hold close a decoration from long ago, and let the memories warm your heart.

Must Read Post

There is an excellent post on Bro. Ballestero's blog today. "Some Things, You Never Get Over." If you've ever suffered a loss ~ you will be nodding your head in agreement. If you've ever struggled with what to say to someone in the midst of loss ~ his words of wisdom are right on.

When I'm Gone

I found this beautiful poem and know this is how Mom would have felt...

When I'm Gone

by Mrs.Lyman Hancock

When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile
Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned
And remember only the smile


Forget unkind words I have spoken
Remember some good I have done
Forget that I ever had heartache
And remember I've had loads of fun


Forget that I've stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way
Remember I have fought some hard battles
And won, ere the close of the day


Then forget to grieve for my going
I would not have you sad for a day
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember the place where I lay


And come in the shade of evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best

Mom,
There are so many things I remember.
Most of all I remember your love. You'll never be forgotten.

Norma D. Fultz
January 1, 1940 - October 10, 1998

The Walk

I picked up a new book by Richard Paul Evans. The Walk "tells the poignant and inspirational tale of an advertising executive who loses everything, and decides to embark on an unforgettable journey that is as life-altering as it is life-affirming."

This is a very quick, but thought provoking, read. Anyone who has lost a dear one will relate to the many stages of grief dealt with in this book. I don't want to give too much away, but there is one quote I want to share:

"You know she's not really gone. She's still a part of you. What part of you is your choice. She can be a spring of gratitude and joy, or she can be a fountain of bitterness and pain. It is entirely up to you."

I think that pretty much sums up how we respond to any of life's trials. It has been said many times,"You can become bitter or you can become better." I want my life to be a spring of joy and gratitude.