The story of Tamar (and Amnon, Jonadab and Absalom) is one of the ugliest in the Bible. Matthew Henry's commentary on this story is outstanding, in introducing this story he said,
"We have here a particular account of the abominable wickedness of Amnon in ravishing his sister, a subject not fit to be enlarged upon nor indeed to be mentioned without blushing, that ever any man should be so vile, especially that a son of David should be so. Can he entertain the thought of betraying that virtue and honor of which, as a brother, he ought to have been the protector?"
A simple Google search on "rape" brought up over 266 million results and "rape statistics" brought up over 66 million results. One quote really caught my attention,
"one pedophile interviewed by Oprah Winfrey confessed, a pedophile
steals more than a child's innocence. He steals her future. He described
his crime as a form of murder because, as he said, 'I killed who she
could have been one day.'" This certainly describes what happened to Tamar.
Verses: 2 Samuel 13:1-22
Background –
parents, husband, children, siblings
Tamar is the only named daughter of King David. Her mother was Maacah, the Caananite and her brother was Absalom.
What is she
most known for? Victories?
Defeats? How can I be
like her? How can I
avoid being like her?
2 Samuel 13:1 says, "And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the
son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son
of David loved her." The word "fair" means "beautiful (literally of figuratively): - + beautiful, beauty, comely, fair (-est, one), + goodly, pleasant, well." "Amnon the son of David loved her; not in an honorable way, to make her his wife, but in a lustful manner, to make an harlot of her. He was so vexed, distressed, straitened, and perplexed in his mind through unruly and unbridled lusts that raged in him" (John Gill)
Tamar was not in close contact with Amnon or any of her other half brothers, but "was kept very recluse from the company of men, that he could not come at her; so Philo (t), speaking of the Jewish women, and particularly virgins, says, that they were shut up in their chambers, and through modesty shun the sight of men, even those of their own house" (John Gill)
Verse 3 tells us that "Amnon had a friend." This friend was his cousin, Jonadab. We will never know if Amnon would have followed through on his lust if it had not been for Jonadab. But Amnon had a friend...
When David came to see his "ill" son, Amnon convinced him that only Tamar could make him feel better. "'My stomach is weak, and I know not of any thing I can eat, unless it be a cake of my sister Tamar's making, and I cannot be satisfied that it is so unless I see her make it, and it will do me the more good if I eat it at her hand.' David saw no reason to suspect any mischief intended. God hid his heart from understanding in this matter. He therefore immediately orders Tamar to go and attend her sick brother." (Matthew Henry)
Tamar went immediately to Amnon's house. "Tamar as innocently goes to her brother's chamber, neither dreading any abuse (why should she from a brother, a sick brother?) nor disdaining, in obedience to her father and love to her brother (though but her half-brother), to be his nurse. Though she was a king's daughter, a great beauty, and well dressed, yet she did not think it below her to knead cakes and bake them, nor would she have done this now if she had not been used to it." (Matthew Henry)
Amnon then sent everyone out of the room and said to Tamar, "Come lie with me, my sister." "Having got her to him, he contrives to have her alone; for the adulterer (much more so vile an adulterer as this) is in care that no eye see him. The meat is ready, but he cannot eat while he is looked at by those about him; they must all be turned out. The sick must be humored, and think they have a privilege to command. Tamar is willing to humor him; her chaste and virtuous soul has not the least thought of that which his polluted breast is full of; and therefore she makes no scruple of being alone with him in the inner chamber. And now the mask is thrown off, the meat is thrown by, and the wicked wretch calls her sister, and yet impudently courts her to come and lie with him. It was a base affront to her virtue to think it possible to persuade her to consent to such wickedness when he knew her behavior to be always exemplary modest and virtuous. But it is common for those that live in uncleanness to think others such as themselves, at least tinder to their sparks." (Matthew Henry)
For two verses Tamar begs Amnon not to force her. "And she answered him, Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly. And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go? and as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, I pray thee, speak unto the king; for he will not withhold me from thee."
"The remonstrances and arguments of Tamar were so affecting and so strong, that had not Amnon been violently goaded on by the lustful passion of which he had become the slave, they must have prevailed with him to desist from his infamous purpose. In bidding him, however, “speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from thee,” it is probable that she urged this as her last resource, saying anything she thought would please him, in order to escape for the present out of his hands." (A Commentary on the Old and New Testaments by Robert Jamieson, A. R. Fausset and David Brown)
John Gill said, "Do not force me; which was another forbidding expression, signifying she would never freely yield to his will; and to force her, to defile her against her will, to commit a rape upon her, would be very criminal indeed: And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go?.... She desires him to consider her reputation, which would be lost; was she to go into a corner, into a place the most private and retired, yet she would blush at the thought of the crime committed; and still less able would she be to lift up her face in any public company; nor could she ever expect to be admitted into the matrimonial state; in short, her character would be entirely ruined: as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel; as the vilest and basest and most abandoned in the nation; now therefore, I pray thee, speak unto the king: to give me to thee in marriage: for he will not withhold me from thee; this she said, either as ignorant of the law, which forbids such marriages, or as supposing the king had a power to dispense with it, and, rather than he should die for love, would; though she seems to say this, and anything that occurred to her mind, to put him off of his wicked design for the present, holding then she should be delivered from him."
Matthew Henry said, "We may well imagine what a surprise and terror it was to the young lady to be thus attacked, how she blushed and how she trembled; yet, in this great confusion, nothing could be said more pertinently, nor with greater strength of argument, than what she said to him. 1. She calls him brother, reminding him of the nearness of the relation, which made it unlawful for him to marry her, much more to debauch her. It was expressly forbidden under a severe penalty. Great care must be taken lest the love that should be among relations degenerate into lust. 2. She entreats him not to force her, which intimates that she would never consent to it in any degree; and what satisfaction could he take in offering violence? 3. She lays before him the great wickedness of it. It is folly; all sin is so, especially uncleanness. It is wickedness of the worst kind. Such abominations ought not to be committed in Israel, among the professing people of God, that have better statutes than the heathen have. We are Israelites; if we do such things, we are more inexcusable than others, and our condemnation will be more intolerable, for we reproach the Lord, and that worthy name by which we are called. 4. She represents to him the shame of it, which perhaps might influence him more than the sin of it: “For my part, whither shall I cause my shame to go? If it should be concealed, yet I shall blush to think of it as long as I live; and, if ever it be known, how shall I be able to look any of my friends in the face? For thy part, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel,” that is, “Thou wilt be looked upon as an atrocious debauchee, the worst of men; thou wilt lose thy interest in the esteem of all that are wise and good, and so wilt be set aside as unfit to rule, though the first-born; for Israel will never submit to the government of such a fool.” Prospect of shame, especially everlasting shame, should deter us from sin. 5. To divert him from his wicked purpose at this time, and (if possible) to get clear of him, she intimates to him that probably the king, rather than he should die for love of her, would dispense with the divine law and let him marry her: not as if she thought he had such a dispensing power, or would pretend to it; but she was confident that, upon notice given to the king by himself of this wicked desire, which he would scarcely have believed from any one else, he would take an effectual course to protect her from him."
Verse 14 says, "Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her." "But all her arts and all her arguments availed not. His proud spirit cannot bear a denial; but her comfort, and honor, and all that was dear to her, must be sacrificed to his brutish and outrageous lust." (Matthew Henry) "His lust was so inflamed and enraged, that he could not attend to any arguments, though ever so forcible, that were offered to him." (John Gill)
After Amnon raped Tamar he "hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred
wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved
her." "The devil, as a tormentor and betrayer, immediately turns his love of her into hatred." (Matthew Henry) "Having gratified his lust, his conscience stung him for it, that he could not bear the sight of the object that had been the instrument of it." (John Gill)
Did she
reach a place when she needed to reset?
If so, did she? For good or evil?
Tamar was not given a chance to reset. Amnon wanted her out of his sight immediately. "Amnon hated Tamar because she would not consent to his wickedness, and so take part of the blame upon herself, but to the last resisted it, and reasoned against it, and so threw all the blame upon him." (Matthew Henry)
"And she said unto him, There is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me." "Not that this was a greater sin, but it was a greater evil or injury to her, that being done secretly, this openly; being turned out in that open manner, it might look as if she was the aggressor, and had drawn her brother into this sin, or however had consented to it." (John Gill) Of course, there was no reasoning with Amnon. "Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her."
"The innocent injured lady had reason to resent this as a great affront, and in some respects worse than the former; for nothing could have been done more barbarous and ill-natured, or more disgraceful to her. Had he taken care to conceal what was done, her honor would have been lost to herself only. Had he gone down on his knees and begged her pardon, it might have been some little reparation. Had he given her time to compose herself after the horrid confusion she was put into, she might have kept her countenance when she went out, and so have kept her counsel. But to dismiss her thus hurried, thus rudely, as if she had done some wicked thing, obliged her, in her own defense, to proclaim the wrong that had been done her." (Matthew Henry)
"And she had a garment of divers colours upon her: for with such robes were the king's daughters that were virgins apparelled. Then his servant brought her out, and bolted the door after her. And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying." (2 Samuel 13:18-19) "Of embroidered work, which made her the more observable, and her shame the more manifest. Which they wore to distinguish them both from common people, and from married persons of the same quality. Rent her garment of divers colours that was on her; signifying that her virginity was rent from her in a forcible manner, or that she was ravished." (John Gill)
Matthew Henry concludes, "We must now leave the criminal to the terrors of his own guilty conscience, and enquire what becomes of the poor victim. (1.) She bitterly lamented the injury she had received, as it was a stain to her honor, though no real blemish to her virtue. She tore her fine clothes in token of her grief, and put ashes upon her head, to deform herself, loathing her own beauty and ornaments, because they had occasioned Amnon's unlawful love; and she went on crying for another's sin. (2.) She retired to her brother Absalom's house, because he was her own brother, and there she lived in solitude and sorrow, in token of her modesty and detestation of uncleanness. Absalom spoke kindly to her, bade her pass by the injury for the present, designing himself to revenge it. It should seem by Absalom's question (Has Amnon been with thee?) that Amnon was notorious for such lewd practices, so that it was dangerous for a modest woman to be with him; this Absalom might know, and yet Tamar be wholly ignorant of it."
The last we read of Tamar is, "So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom's house." "not seeing any company, being filled with grief and shame, and none applying to her as a suitor, knowing she was vitiated; how long she continued here, or lived after this, is not certain; no mention is made of her afterwards." (John Gill)
This is another story without a happy ending, leaving me feeling sorrowful. Not one commentary had anything negative to say about Tamar, that any of her actions were done to tempt Amnon. She was completely innocent in this situation, but remained desolate. The price of this sin was steep. Tamar remained desolate while Absalom fumed and finally two years later got his revenge, having Amnon killed. Sadly, Absalom also died a horrible death.
