Bro. Hughes preached at First Church Hawaii on the Sunday following the marriage retreat. His message was so thought provoking. His text was Luke 4:14-22, key verses were verses 18-19, "The Spirit of the Lord is
upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor;
he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the
captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them
that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord."
First step - Becoming God Dependent
Poor is someone with a problem he cannot handle on his own. When you realized your need for God then He can start healing your broken heart.
Liberation
There are two things that lock you in prison that you cannot escape - a lie and unforgiveness.
Unforgiveness causes chaos and health issues.
Forgiveness is not an option. Your best life cannot happen if you won't release the junk you hold on to.
Revenge means that you become God. It never works.
Baptism frees us from our past. God forgives us, but He can't forgive FOR us.
True forgiveness cannot happen unless you give up all control and hope for revenge.
The Forgiveness Chapter
Matthew chapter 18 is called the forgiveness chapter. Verse 18 says, "Verily I say unto you,
Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and
whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven." This is talking about forgiveness. We have to loose things before God looses them.
Forgive when no one asks for it.
We stay bound when we won't let things go.
Forgiveness is the most difficult thing for humans to do.
Praying Forgiveness
Bro. Hughes explained forgiveness in a way I had never heard before. He said when you are praying for someone who has wronged you, you need to ask God not to hold their sin against them. He gave two examples - Jesus on the cross and Stephen when he was stoned. Jesus said, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34) Stephen said, "Lord, lay not this sin to their charge." (Acts 7:60)
I have never prayed like that before. Yes, I've prayed and asked God to help me forgive. But my human nature has kept back a part with the thought, "I'll forgive and let God get even." That's not how forgiveness works. To be completely free, we have to let go of any hope that God will punish the one who wronged us.
Recovery of Sight
This is talking about mental blindness or denial. The more you deny something, the worse your issue becomes.
Deliverance to the Bruised
We don't need to be healed from bruises. We need to be delivered.
Year of Jubilee
When we follow the process of Luke 4:18-19 everything that was lost can be recovered.
Isaiah chapter 61 is the portion of scriptures that Jesus read in Luke chapter 4. Verse 7 says, "For
your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice
in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double:
everlasting joy shall be unto them."
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
Child Development (Marriage Retreat, Session 4)
The announcement for our marriage retreat stated that there would be a session about parenting. As a non-parent, I wasn't sure how much of this session would be helpful to me, but it was outstanding! Bro. Hughes has counseled over 30,000 couples and many of the issues in marriage start with how the couples were raised.
Proverbs 22:6, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
Ephesians 6:4, "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."
Colossians 3:21, "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged."
Child development is the similar to marriage development.
1. Dependent entirely
2. Becoming more independent.
Children are born leaving.
The odds of a marriage making it 30 years is 57%. The number drops to 2.5% making it 50 years. It is often after the children leave the home that marriages crumble.
The importance of play:
In infancy - play is very immature
Early childhood - begrudgingly sharing
Adolescence - organized play
Teens - competitive
Adults - controlled, less taxing
Never quit playing
Children cannot think rationally until puberty is almost over.
14-16 years old is when conscience is fully developed - until then it's the parents' conscience.
Family influence is more powerful than any peer. The Bible never talks about peer pressure.
It does not take a village to raise a child, it takes a set of parents.
The Epidemic of America is Broken Families
In 1950 5% of children were born illegitimately. In 1985 that number was 50%.
God didn't give children to be raised by strangers.
Rules of the House
The rules of the house can't change, but the application of those rules change per child. Sending your social butterfly child to their room will work, sending your bookworm to their room won't be a punishment. It takes time to figure out how to punish each child appropriately. Don't discipline in anger.
Recognizing Sounds
During the third trimester, a child's brain starts recording information. It will recognized the sounds of voices - mom, dad, siblings, pastor, church service. (I always find it interesting how babies can sleep in church - this makes total sense. If they were in church before they were born, those sounds are normal to them.)
85% of life skills are developed by the age of 6. The most important Sunday school teachers are those who teach age 6 and younger.
90% of life skills are developed by age 9 and 95% by age 12.
Anger is the first emotion to fully develop.
Don't let children express anger out of control. Correct your children but don't do it in anger, don't be excessive.
By age 12 fear is fully developed.
Bonding with Children
At this point, Bro. Hughes had some charts that I really wish I had copies of! He showed how children bond with their parents at different times. A newborn can only see as far as his/her mother. By age two a child knows their sexuality and will bond to the parent of the same gender. They will stay attached until they are 9-11 when puberty hits.
From puberty the father develops daughters and the mother develops sons. This was a key point that I took away from this session. This gave me a lot of think about when reflecting on my own upbringing and siblings.
When Bro. Hughes is counseling couples he likes to draw a family tree, he wants to know the relationship the wife had with her father and the relationship her father had with his mother. He asks about the husband's relationship with his mother and his mother's relationship with her father.
Our sense of normal is the home we grew up in. We learn how to relate at home.
Child Development is Really Family Development
If you don't have a good example, you can start a new standard for your family.
It took one family to wreck the world. One family can make it right for their children. Strong families bring revival.
Proverbs 22:6, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
Ephesians 6:4, "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."
Colossians 3:21, "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged."
Child development is the similar to marriage development.
1. Dependent entirely
2. Becoming more independent.
Children are born leaving.
The odds of a marriage making it 30 years is 57%. The number drops to 2.5% making it 50 years. It is often after the children leave the home that marriages crumble.
The importance of play:
In infancy - play is very immature
Early childhood - begrudgingly sharing
Adolescence - organized play
Teens - competitive
Adults - controlled, less taxing
Never quit playing
Children cannot think rationally until puberty is almost over.
14-16 years old is when conscience is fully developed - until then it's the parents' conscience.
Family influence is more powerful than any peer. The Bible never talks about peer pressure.
It does not take a village to raise a child, it takes a set of parents.
The Epidemic of America is Broken Families
In 1950 5% of children were born illegitimately. In 1985 that number was 50%.
God didn't give children to be raised by strangers.
Rules of the House
The rules of the house can't change, but the application of those rules change per child. Sending your social butterfly child to their room will work, sending your bookworm to their room won't be a punishment. It takes time to figure out how to punish each child appropriately. Don't discipline in anger.
Recognizing Sounds
During the third trimester, a child's brain starts recording information. It will recognized the sounds of voices - mom, dad, siblings, pastor, church service. (I always find it interesting how babies can sleep in church - this makes total sense. If they were in church before they were born, those sounds are normal to them.)
85% of life skills are developed by the age of 6. The most important Sunday school teachers are those who teach age 6 and younger.
90% of life skills are developed by age 9 and 95% by age 12.
Anger is the first emotion to fully develop.
Don't let children express anger out of control. Correct your children but don't do it in anger, don't be excessive.
By age 12 fear is fully developed.
Bonding with Children
At this point, Bro. Hughes had some charts that I really wish I had copies of! He showed how children bond with their parents at different times. A newborn can only see as far as his/her mother. By age two a child knows their sexuality and will bond to the parent of the same gender. They will stay attached until they are 9-11 when puberty hits.
From puberty the father develops daughters and the mother develops sons. This was a key point that I took away from this session. This gave me a lot of think about when reflecting on my own upbringing and siblings.
When Bro. Hughes is counseling couples he likes to draw a family tree, he wants to know the relationship the wife had with her father and the relationship her father had with his mother. He asks about the husband's relationship with his mother and his mother's relationship with her father.
Our sense of normal is the home we grew up in. We learn how to relate at home.
Child Development is Really Family Development
If you don't have a good example, you can start a new standard for your family.
It took one family to wreck the world. One family can make it right for their children. Strong families bring revival.
Sunday, November 10, 2019
The Judgement Oracle (Marriage Retreat, Session 3)
Following our split sessions we had a combined second session on Saturday morning. Bro. Hughes read from Genesis 3:14-19. This is "The Judgement Oracle" when Adam and Eve sinned and mankind was cursed. Adam did not protect Eve when she spoke to the serpent and both their lives experienced chaos.
Genesis 3:16 says,"thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."
Every woman that is born will try to control the man and he will dominate her. The only hope of the curse being broken is the church. The answer to the curse is changing our perception of each other.
Warnings to Ephesus
The church in Ephesus had a congregation of between 80,000-120,000 by 100 A.D. There are five recorded warnings to Ephesus - The book of Ephesians, 1 and 2 Timothy, meeting at the sea coast in Acts 20, and Revelation.
It is the only church that God said He would remove their candlestick - because they left their first love. The Greek definition of the word left is divorce. The Ephesians quit loving people.
Love never gets lost, it gets divorced.
Be Not Drunk.
Ephesians 5:18 says, "And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit." Facebook gives the same effect as heroin - it's an addiction. The average person spends 2-3 hours a day on Facebook. It numbs our lives. Other things take the place of spending time together.
Bro. Hughes told of watching a group of young people at a restaurant after church. On his way out, he asked why they all came. They said it was to spend time together. He said, "But you haven't talked to anyone." They had been texting while sitting at the same table. Texting is not the same as talking. Thumbs don't talk!
When no one hears what you say, your behavior will become deviant. Don't let things take the place of your mate. The only way to prevent becoming deviant is to have no secrets. Have each other's passwords. I must be accountable where I'm at and who I'm with.
Phones are More Dangerous Than a Gun
Our most powerful instinct is to be safe. Your brain is constantly checking. The survival instinct never turns off, even while asleep. Phones never trigger a defensive mechanism. The brain cannot tell you are in danger. Text messages that seem innocent have the power to destroy.
Smart phones numb life. Be not drunk with social media, texting, Facebook.
People get hurt by media. They aren't going to learn the gospel online, they must be in an environment where the Spirit can be felt.
How To Be Happy
Ephesians 5:19 says, "Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord."
Learn how to be happy. Stand in the front of the mirror and practice your happy face. Happiness is a choice.
Romans 14:17 says, " For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost."
Three characteristics of happy people - righteousness, peace and joy.
Don't numb life. Change your life by what you talk and sing about. Take the two hours you spend on media and spend it with the ones you love.
Submission
Good relationships start with submitting ourselves one to another in the fear of God. (Ephesians 5:21)
Submission starts with who you are accountable to. Your spouse has a right to know where you are.
Grow up and act like an adult. We don't need any help acting like a jerk.
Accountability is the most important thing you can have in your marriage.
Lose accountability and you will become evil in no time.
Submitting yourselves = accountability.
Man's responsibility is to make sure she's protected.
Woman's responsibility is to submit.
Men love their wives. Wives honor her husband.
Men don't need to be hugged, they need to be respected.
The Power of Words
The power of life and death is in the tongue.
Research shows that words can damage DNA and words can heal DNA. Who ever said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," was wrong! Words scar for life.
The Conclusion of Ephesians 5:18-21:
Don't numb life
Create happiness in the home
Submit to one another
Love her, respect him
All the chaos goes away.
Genesis 3:16 says,"thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."
Every woman that is born will try to control the man and he will dominate her. The only hope of the curse being broken is the church. The answer to the curse is changing our perception of each other.
Warnings to Ephesus
The church in Ephesus had a congregation of between 80,000-120,000 by 100 A.D. There are five recorded warnings to Ephesus - The book of Ephesians, 1 and 2 Timothy, meeting at the sea coast in Acts 20, and Revelation.
It is the only church that God said He would remove their candlestick - because they left their first love. The Greek definition of the word left is divorce. The Ephesians quit loving people.
Love never gets lost, it gets divorced.
Be Not Drunk.
Ephesians 5:18 says, "And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit." Facebook gives the same effect as heroin - it's an addiction. The average person spends 2-3 hours a day on Facebook. It numbs our lives. Other things take the place of spending time together.
Bro. Hughes told of watching a group of young people at a restaurant after church. On his way out, he asked why they all came. They said it was to spend time together. He said, "But you haven't talked to anyone." They had been texting while sitting at the same table. Texting is not the same as talking. Thumbs don't talk!
When no one hears what you say, your behavior will become deviant. Don't let things take the place of your mate. The only way to prevent becoming deviant is to have no secrets. Have each other's passwords. I must be accountable where I'm at and who I'm with.
Phones are More Dangerous Than a Gun
Our most powerful instinct is to be safe. Your brain is constantly checking. The survival instinct never turns off, even while asleep. Phones never trigger a defensive mechanism. The brain cannot tell you are in danger. Text messages that seem innocent have the power to destroy.
Smart phones numb life. Be not drunk with social media, texting, Facebook.
People get hurt by media. They aren't going to learn the gospel online, they must be in an environment where the Spirit can be felt.
How To Be Happy
Ephesians 5:19 says, "Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord."
Learn how to be happy. Stand in the front of the mirror and practice your happy face. Happiness is a choice.
Romans 14:17 says, " For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost."
Three characteristics of happy people - righteousness, peace and joy.
Don't numb life. Change your life by what you talk and sing about. Take the two hours you spend on media and spend it with the ones you love.
Submission
Good relationships start with submitting ourselves one to another in the fear of God. (Ephesians 5:21)
Submission starts with who you are accountable to. Your spouse has a right to know where you are.
Grow up and act like an adult. We don't need any help acting like a jerk.
Accountability is the most important thing you can have in your marriage.
Lose accountability and you will become evil in no time.
Submitting yourselves = accountability.
Man's responsibility is to make sure she's protected.
Woman's responsibility is to submit.
Men love their wives. Wives honor her husband.
Men don't need to be hugged, they need to be respected.
The Power of Words
The power of life and death is in the tongue.
Research shows that words can damage DNA and words can heal DNA. Who ever said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," was wrong! Words scar for life.
The Conclusion of Ephesians 5:18-21:
Don't numb life
Create happiness in the home
Submit to one another
Love her, respect him
All the chaos goes away.
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
Marriage is Like a Symphony (Marriage Retreat, Session 2)
Our Saturday morning started with split sessions. Sis. Hughes spoke to the ladies while Bro. Hughes spoke to the men. Sis. Hughes was so good, she was also funny as she talked about her husband "stealing" all her notes! Bro. Hughes covered some of the things she had in her notes on Friday night. I felt the lessons were completely different and thoroughly enjoyed what Sis. Hughes had to say.
The title for her lesson was "Marriage is Like a Symphony." Is your marriage in harmony or is it a clamoring sound? Her text was Matthew 19:6, "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
One Flesh
We become one flesh when we are married, but not one person. Don't lose your identity.
Can You Imagine Growing Old Together?
This is a question Sis. Hughes asked her husband many years ago. In order to do that, you must work at your marriage. You have to learn day by day. Every day is a new opportunity to strengthen your marriage. Learn to enjoy every day.
Opposites Attract
There are very few marriages where the couples have the same personalities.
Communication is the Foundation of a Good Marriage.
There are steps in communication as we get to know someone.
1. Casual, this is when we are just starting to know someone. It progresses to
2. Sharing information
3. Sharing our fears
4. Sharing our feelings
5. Sharing our secrets
This can be a stumbling block in marriages.
You should not have a close male friend if you are married. The only man you should be sharing your fears, feelings and secrets with is your husband.
God Wants Your Marriage to be Harmonious.
We must have an open exchange of emotions, desires and beliefs.
Key to Communication
Explain what you're thinking.
Words are like toothpaste - once out, they can never be put back.
Rough times can and will change how you communicate.
Fight through the tough times to strengthen your marriage. When a couple says, "we don't communicate" they mean "we don't communicate effectively."
There is more to communication than words. You don't have to say a word to get your point across. Communication is verbal and non verbal.
"Rights" in Marriage
"I have a right to hold on to anger." That kind of thinking destroys marriages.
Symphony of Sounds
First there is the warm up.
Ladies are like the violins. Men are the tubas.
When they don't play from the same page, the music is clamorous.
Beethoven's 5th Symphony
This is the most famous symphony. It was written during a time of great distress in Beethoven's life - he was slowly losing his hearing. He wanted to hear every instrument. The symphony has harsh tones and smooth melodies. Our marriages are like that. We need to make communication in our marriage a peaceful sound.
Women Thrive on Relationships
Women love to do things in groups.
What might have happened in the garden - Eve tried to talk to Adam and he wouldn't listen, so she talked to the snake.
I Married My Best Friend
Don't treat your husband like your girlfriend. Your relationship is unique with him. Best friends make life better. They hang tough when times get tough.
Social media makes everyone's life look perfect. No one has a perfect life. Your marriage is normal. (I wrote about why I don't blog about my bad days here.)
You Husband Needs to Feel Needed
He wants to be your hero.
We Need a Good Listening Partner (and we need to be one)
Marriage is a beautiful symphony if God is the conductor.
Stages in Marriage
1. Newly married. See each other for who you are, don't try to change your husband. Disengage from how your parents did it.
2. New parents. When children come everything changes. Often the husband is on the back burner. Take time for your husband.
3. Empty nest. Couples must redefine their relationship with each other.
4. Retirement. Couples are together 24/7. Often taking care of aging parents. This can be a battlefield.
Figure out how to take care of each other in every stage.
Emotional needs become more important as we get older. We need to be more attentive of each other.
People in Happy Marriages Live Longer.
The average marriage lasts seven years.
Marriage is the Greatest Thing God Ever Created
In marriage we must be open with each other. We must be comfortable expressing ourselves to each other.
The title for her lesson was "Marriage is Like a Symphony." Is your marriage in harmony or is it a clamoring sound? Her text was Matthew 19:6, "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
One Flesh
We become one flesh when we are married, but not one person. Don't lose your identity.
Can You Imagine Growing Old Together?
This is a question Sis. Hughes asked her husband many years ago. In order to do that, you must work at your marriage. You have to learn day by day. Every day is a new opportunity to strengthen your marriage. Learn to enjoy every day.
Opposites Attract
There are very few marriages where the couples have the same personalities.
Communication is the Foundation of a Good Marriage.
There are steps in communication as we get to know someone.
1. Casual, this is when we are just starting to know someone. It progresses to
2. Sharing information
3. Sharing our fears
4. Sharing our feelings
5. Sharing our secrets
This can be a stumbling block in marriages.
You should not have a close male friend if you are married. The only man you should be sharing your fears, feelings and secrets with is your husband.
God Wants Your Marriage to be Harmonious.
We must have an open exchange of emotions, desires and beliefs.
Key to Communication
Explain what you're thinking.
Words are like toothpaste - once out, they can never be put back.
Rough times can and will change how you communicate.
Fight through the tough times to strengthen your marriage. When a couple says, "we don't communicate" they mean "we don't communicate effectively."
There is more to communication than words. You don't have to say a word to get your point across. Communication is verbal and non verbal.
"Rights" in Marriage
"I have a right to hold on to anger." That kind of thinking destroys marriages.
Symphony of Sounds
First there is the warm up.
Ladies are like the violins. Men are the tubas.
When they don't play from the same page, the music is clamorous.
Beethoven's 5th Symphony
This is the most famous symphony. It was written during a time of great distress in Beethoven's life - he was slowly losing his hearing. He wanted to hear every instrument. The symphony has harsh tones and smooth melodies. Our marriages are like that. We need to make communication in our marriage a peaceful sound.
Women Thrive on Relationships
Women love to do things in groups.
What might have happened in the garden - Eve tried to talk to Adam and he wouldn't listen, so she talked to the snake.
I Married My Best Friend
Don't treat your husband like your girlfriend. Your relationship is unique with him. Best friends make life better. They hang tough when times get tough.
Social media makes everyone's life look perfect. No one has a perfect life. Your marriage is normal. (I wrote about why I don't blog about my bad days here.)
You Husband Needs to Feel Needed
He wants to be your hero.
We Need a Good Listening Partner (and we need to be one)
Marriage is a beautiful symphony if God is the conductor.
Stages in Marriage
1. Newly married. See each other for who you are, don't try to change your husband. Disengage from how your parents did it.
2. New parents. When children come everything changes. Often the husband is on the back burner. Take time for your husband.
3. Empty nest. Couples must redefine their relationship with each other.
4. Retirement. Couples are together 24/7. Often taking care of aging parents. This can be a battlefield.
Figure out how to take care of each other in every stage.
Emotional needs become more important as we get older. We need to be more attentive of each other.
People in Happy Marriages Live Longer.
The average marriage lasts seven years.
Marriage is the Greatest Thing God Ever Created
In marriage we must be open with each other. We must be comfortable expressing ourselves to each other.
Monday, November 4, 2019
Creating the Right Atmosphere for Your Marriage to Be Healthy (Marriage Retreat, Session 1)
Bro. Hughes started Friday night's session by reading Ephesians 5:15-25. His title was "Creating the Right Atmosphere for Your Marriage to Be Healthy." I took nine pages of notes. Many are just bullet points, but here we go:
Not everything is a spiritual problem. You can't solve physical problems spiritually.
My thoughts: This is one of the key points I took away from this retreat. We love to quote Matthew 17:21, "Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting." and Mark 9:29, "And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting." Both of these verses are about the same event. Jesus cast a deaf and dumb spirit out of a boy. That was a spiritual problem. When I have 6 loads of laundry to do, prayer and fasting aren't going to solve that problem. That's a physical (and often smelly) problem. Not every issue in a marriage or family is a spiritual issue. Yes, we need to pray for our marriages and families, but praying then giving the silent treatment aren't going to fix anything.
You have to work really hard at messing up marriage.
Marriage works because God designed it to work. There are no shortcuts to marriage. There will be hard times, but marriage will always work if you let it.
The Right to Be Happy
In the past 20 years the question has changed from "is divorce a heaven or hell issue?" to "don't I have a right to be happy?" The Declaration of Independence lists "three unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." We've put a big emphasis on happiness as a "right" but it is the pursuit of happiness. If you want to be happy, you have to chase it because it's running! No one else can make you happy.
Two thirds of the marriages in the world are arranged.
Arranged marriages last longer than many marriages where couples are allowed that choose their own mate. Arranged marriages work because marriage works.
Going from an Adult to Six Years Old
We go from an adult to six years old in an instant when we are angry. Adults can't think more maturely than a 6 year old when angry.
What keeps families together?
We've heard it over and over "the family that prays together, stays together." Brother Hughes says, "the family that plays together, stays together." When problems start you stop enjoying life.
Ephesians 4:1 "I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called." The word worthy means balance. Good times give you resources to endure the hard times.
I was thinking about this early the next morning. Les and I have a lot of fun together. The word we use most often is "adventure." We've hiked the Grand Canyon, kayaked the Napali Coast, mountain biked on Mt. Etna. We have traveled so many places together. The key word is together. We have also had hard times - the death of family members, hospitalizations, job losses, and bike accidents. We have endured those together. Our play times have helped us through our difficulties.
Every Cause
In Matthew 19:3-6, the Pharisees asked Jesus, "Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?" They were looking for a reason for marriage to fail. Jesus' response was, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." God made man and woman for marriage.
Who you marry is up to you, but God made sure the marriage bond would work. Marriage is the will of God.
Study of men and women going to sleep
3800 participants - 1900 men, 1900 women
When the male brain is going to sleep - the problem solving center is active.
When the female brain is going to sleep - the language center is active. She's still talking!
Although we are different, even opposites, we can still make marriage work.
You can't parent one another.
Don't try to fix each other.
Every human typically plays three roles in life: child, adult, parent.
Relationships can only be on equal levels. You can only be friends with someone on your same level (you are not your child's friend.) When you become a parent don't stay in that role with each other. Parent your children, not each other. Be careful how you talk to one another. Odds that your marriage will make it to 50 years is 2.5%. That is such a sad statistic! This happens when a couple becomes empty nesters but they haven't spent their parenting years relating to one another as equals.
Create an atmosphere of making a healthy marriage.
Most people marry someone they've known less than 5 years. Our differences make us stronger. We choose how to have a good life.
Quit reading all the stupid books! They don't work.
I loved this point! Bro. Hughes said don't expect a book to fix your marriage. You can't read a book and think "if only my husband/wife would do this, our marriage would be perfect." You have to talk to each other. Have fun. Play. Keep God in the picture.
Don't blame the devil.
The devil can't read your mind, but he reads your face and he hears your conversation. He will use that to send temptations and problems because he sees the weakness of your flesh.
Our problems are caused by our flesh most of the time.
Philippians 4:7 says the peace of God keeps your mind. Spirituality is defined by how often you fight your flesh.
The only thing you need to be a jerk is an opportunity.
Ephesians 4:11-13
Preaching is to get us to stop acting like a 6 year old kid.
1 Corinthians chapter 13 is the love chapter
Verse 11 says, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." This is still talking about love.
We have to learn how to get rid of the kid inside. Most people live on the corner of junior and jerk. But a healthy marriage is when we put away the selfish kid inside.
I left Friday night's session with so much great information! And this was just the beginning...
Not everything is a spiritual problem. You can't solve physical problems spiritually.
My thoughts: This is one of the key points I took away from this retreat. We love to quote Matthew 17:21, "Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting." and Mark 9:29, "And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting." Both of these verses are about the same event. Jesus cast a deaf and dumb spirit out of a boy. That was a spiritual problem. When I have 6 loads of laundry to do, prayer and fasting aren't going to solve that problem. That's a physical (and often smelly) problem. Not every issue in a marriage or family is a spiritual issue. Yes, we need to pray for our marriages and families, but praying then giving the silent treatment aren't going to fix anything.
You have to work really hard at messing up marriage.
Marriage works because God designed it to work. There are no shortcuts to marriage. There will be hard times, but marriage will always work if you let it.
The Right to Be Happy
In the past 20 years the question has changed from "is divorce a heaven or hell issue?" to "don't I have a right to be happy?" The Declaration of Independence lists "three unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." We've put a big emphasis on happiness as a "right" but it is the pursuit of happiness. If you want to be happy, you have to chase it because it's running! No one else can make you happy.
Two thirds of the marriages in the world are arranged.
Arranged marriages last longer than many marriages where couples are allowed that choose their own mate. Arranged marriages work because marriage works.
Going from an Adult to Six Years Old
We go from an adult to six years old in an instant when we are angry. Adults can't think more maturely than a 6 year old when angry.
What keeps families together?
We've heard it over and over "the family that prays together, stays together." Brother Hughes says, "the family that plays together, stays together." When problems start you stop enjoying life.
Ephesians 4:1 "I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called." The word worthy means balance. Good times give you resources to endure the hard times.
I was thinking about this early the next morning. Les and I have a lot of fun together. The word we use most often is "adventure." We've hiked the Grand Canyon, kayaked the Napali Coast, mountain biked on Mt. Etna. We have traveled so many places together. The key word is together. We have also had hard times - the death of family members, hospitalizations, job losses, and bike accidents. We have endured those together. Our play times have helped us through our difficulties.
Every Cause
In Matthew 19:3-6, the Pharisees asked Jesus, "Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?" They were looking for a reason for marriage to fail. Jesus' response was, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." God made man and woman for marriage.
Who you marry is up to you, but God made sure the marriage bond would work. Marriage is the will of God.
Study of men and women going to sleep
3800 participants - 1900 men, 1900 women
When the male brain is going to sleep - the problem solving center is active.
When the female brain is going to sleep - the language center is active. She's still talking!
Although we are different, even opposites, we can still make marriage work.
You can't parent one another.
Don't try to fix each other.
Every human typically plays three roles in life: child, adult, parent.
Relationships can only be on equal levels. You can only be friends with someone on your same level (you are not your child's friend.) When you become a parent don't stay in that role with each other. Parent your children, not each other. Be careful how you talk to one another. Odds that your marriage will make it to 50 years is 2.5%. That is such a sad statistic! This happens when a couple becomes empty nesters but they haven't spent their parenting years relating to one another as equals.
Create an atmosphere of making a healthy marriage.
Most people marry someone they've known less than 5 years. Our differences make us stronger. We choose how to have a good life.
Quit reading all the stupid books! They don't work.
I loved this point! Bro. Hughes said don't expect a book to fix your marriage. You can't read a book and think "if only my husband/wife would do this, our marriage would be perfect." You have to talk to each other. Have fun. Play. Keep God in the picture.
Don't blame the devil.
The devil can't read your mind, but he reads your face and he hears your conversation. He will use that to send temptations and problems because he sees the weakness of your flesh.
Our problems are caused by our flesh most of the time.
Philippians 4:7 says the peace of God keeps your mind. Spirituality is defined by how often you fight your flesh.
The only thing you need to be a jerk is an opportunity.
Ephesians 4:11-13
Preaching is to get us to stop acting like a 6 year old kid.
1 Corinthians chapter 13 is the love chapter
Verse 11 says, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." This is still talking about love.
We have to learn how to get rid of the kid inside. Most people live on the corner of junior and jerk. But a healthy marriage is when we put away the selfish kid inside.
I left Friday night's session with so much great information! And this was just the beginning...
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