30 Days of Thanks, Day 14: Strong

I'm re-posting something I wrote in August.  The title of the post was "Strong."  I'm so thankful for my Mom's example of holding on, even when she didn't feel strong.

 

Pastor White recommended a couple of books during last Wednesday night's Bible study.  He taught about "Persecution and the People of God."  (You can listen to Part 1 and 2 here.)  The books he recommended were "Fox's Book of Martyrs" and "The Way Called Heresy."  We have both of these books but I have not been able to located "The Way Called Heresy."  

 

During my searching, I stumbled upon a book that belonged to my Mom.  It is a journal that was given to her on her 54th birthday - January 1, 1994.  All the staff from Truth Tabernacle Christian School signed it.  She was going to be off work for a few weeks because she was having knee surgery.

 

My memories of 1994 are tough.  The Northridge Earthquake happened on January 17th.  Rod's declining health and his passing on June 22nd.  Mom's cancer returned later that summer.

 

Mom's writing in this particular journal are more raw than anything else of hers that I have.  At times she wrote words of encouragement, but then she wrote how she was feeling:

 

January 6

Sometimes the Lord calms the storm; sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.

I don't feel calm today.

 

January 7

I survived the surgery.  PAIN  PAIN  PAIN  PAIN all day, all night.

 

January 8

Everything seems better in the daylight.  I feel tough again :)

 

Mother's Day weekend - went to Kathy and Les'... had a great time.

Mother's Day banquet very nice, church on Sunday A.M just for me.

June 22

I can barely read, much less type, all that she wrote on that day.  She spent the day with Rod until an ambulance came around 1:30, two hours later: "Rod is at home with the Lord.  My heart is bleeding."

Two days later she wrote about his funeral, "absolutely beautiful...  I feel the peace that passeth understanding, I know Rod is safe at home with Jesus."

The next two entries are not dated:

People say I'm strong but I don't feel strong.

 

Summer has been a blur: times of happiness with the grandkids but all tinged with my deep hurt.

I remember that summer well.  One of the things I remember the most is seeing Mom and Dad for the first time after Rod's funeral.  It seemed like they had aged a decade in about a month's time.  The blur that was the summer of 1994 didn't get better...

August 20

Time for yearly chest x-ray.

August 23

Call from nurse Lynette, changes since last year.

August 24

CAT scan

August 25

Call from Dr. Medrano

Cancer

I really don't feel strong now, but God is still in control.

August 26

Start chemo

September 7, 8, 9

Helped out at T.T.C.S.  I didn't know how much I would miss it...

That was the final entry.  Her cancer battle went on another four years.  Highs and lows, joys and sorrows.  The one thing that stood out to me was what she wrote twice, "I don't feel strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.   Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."

David Guzik's Enduring Word Commentary says:

What triumph! What can the world do to such a man so firm in the grip of Jesus? God did not allow this thorn in the flesh to punish Paul, or to keep him weak for the sake of weakness. God allowed it to show a divine strength in Paul.

Think about this man Paul. Was he a weak man or a strong man? The man who traveled around the ancient world spreading the gospel of Jesus despite the fiercest persecutions, who endured shipwrecks and imprisonment, who preached to kings and slaves, who established strong churches and trained up their leaders was not a weak man. In light of his life and accomplishments, we would say that Paul was a very strong man. But he was only strong because he knew his weaknesses, and looked outside of himself for the strength of God’s grace. If we are going to live lives of such strength, we also must understand and admit our weaknesses, and look to God alone for the favor, approval and work of grace that will strengthen us for any task. It was the grace-filled Paul who said, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

 

Albert Barnes' Notes on the Bible says:

When I feel weak; when I am subjected to trial, and nature faints and fails, then strength is imparted to me, and I am enabled to bear all. The more I am borne down with trials, the more do I feel my need of divine assistance, and the more do I feel the efficacy of divine grace. Such was the promise in Deuteronomy 33:25; “As thy days, so shall thy strength be.” So in Hebrews 11:24; “Who out of weakness were made strong.” What Christian has not experienced this, and been able to say that when he felt himself weak and felt like sinking under the accumulation of many trials, he has found his strength according to his day, and felt an arm of power supporting him? It is then that the Redeemer manifests himself in a special manner; and then that the excellency of the religion of Christ is truly seen and its power appreciated and felt.

Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Whole Bible says:

This is a Christian paradox: when we are weak in ourselves, then we are strong in the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ; when we see ourselves weak in ourselves, then we go out of ourselves to Christ, and are qualified to receive strength from him, and experience most of the supplies of divine strength and grace.

We don't always feel strong, but I think that's the way it should be.  When we feel strong because of our own strength, we are actually weak, and we're setting ourselves up for failure.  But when we find our strength in Jesus, when we are weak, His grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

Strong

Pastor White recommended a couple of books during last Wednesday night's Bible study.  He taught about "Persecution and the People of God."  (You can listen to Part 1 and 2 here.)  The books he recommended were "Fox's Book of Martyrs" and "The Way Called Heresy."  We have both of these books but I have not been able to located "The Way Called Heresy."  

 

During my searching, I stumbled upon a book that belonged to my Mom.  It is a journal that was given to her on her 54th birthday - January 1, 1994.  All the staff from Truth Tabernacle Christian School signed it.  She was going to be off work for a few weeks because she was having knee surgery.

 

My memories of 1994 are tough.  The Northridge Earthquake happened on January 17th.  Rod's declining health and his passing on June 22nd.  Mom's cancer returned later that summer.

 

Mom's writing in this particular journal are more raw than anything else of hers that I have.  At times she wrote words of encouragement, but then she wrote how she was feeling:

 

January 6

Sometimes the Lord calms the storm; sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.

I don't feel calm today.

 

January 7

I survived the surgery.  PAIN  PAIN  PAIN  PAIN all day, all night.

 

January 8

Everything seems better in the daylight.  I feel tough again :)

 

Mother's Day weekend - went to Kathy and Les'... had a great time.

Mother's Day banquet very nice, church on Sunday A.M just for me.

June 22

I can barely read, much less type, all that she wrote on that day.  She spent the day with Rod until an ambulance came around 1:30, two hours later: "Rod is at home with the Lord.  My heart is bleeding."

Two days later she wrote about his funeral, "absolutely beautiful...  I feel the peace that passeth understanding, I know Rod is safe at home with Jesus."

The next two entries are not dated:

People say I'm strong but I don't feel strong.

 

Summer has been a blur: times of happiness with the grandkids but all tinged with my deep hurt.

I remember that summer well.  One of the things I remember the most is seeing Mom and Dad for the first time after Rod's funeral.  It seemed like they had aged a decade in about a month's time.  The blur that was the summer of 1994 didn't get better...

August 20

Time for yearly chest x-ray.

August 23

Call from nurse Lynette, changes since last year.

August 24

CAT scan

August 25

Call from Dr. Medrano

Cancer

I really don't feel strong now, but God is still in control.

August 26

Start chemo

September 7, 8, 9

Helped out at T.T.C.S.  I didn't know how much I would miss it...

That was the final entry.  Her cancer battle went on another four years.  Highs and lows, joys and sorrows.  The one thing that stood out to me was what she wrote twice, "I don't feel strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.   Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."

David Guzik's Enduring Word Commentary says:

What triumph! What can the world do to such a man so firm in the grip of Jesus? God did not allow this thorn in the flesh to punish Paul, or to keep him weak for the sake of weakness. God allowed it to show a divine strength in Paul.

Think about this man Paul. Was he a weak man or a strong man? The man who traveled around the ancient world spreading the gospel of Jesus despite the fiercest persecutions, who endured shipwrecks and imprisonment, who preached to kings and slaves, who established strong churches and trained up their leaders was not a weak man. In light of his life and accomplishments, we would say that Paul was a very strong man. But he was only strong because he knew his weaknesses, and looked outside of himself for the strength of God’s grace. If we are going to live lives of such strength, we also must understand and admit our weaknesses, and look to God alone for the favor, approval and work of grace that will strengthen us for any task. It was the grace-filled Paul who said, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

 

Albert Barnes' Notes on the Bible says:

When I feel weak; when I am subjected to trial, and nature faints and fails, then strength is imparted to me, and I am enabled to bear all. The more I am borne down with trials, the more do I feel my need of divine assistance, and the more do I feel the efficacy of divine grace. Such was the promise in Deuteronomy 33:25; “As thy days, so shall thy strength be.” So in Hebrews 11:24; “Who out of weakness were made strong.” What Christian has not experienced this, and been able to say that when he felt himself weak and felt like sinking under the accumulation of many trials, he has found his strength according to his day, and felt an arm of power supporting him? It is then that the Redeemer manifests himself in a special manner; and then that the excellency of the religion of Christ is truly seen and its power appreciated and felt.

Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Whole Bible says:

This is a Christian paradox: when we are weak in ourselves, then we are strong in the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ; when we see ourselves weak in ourselves, then we go out of ourselves to Christ, and are qualified to receive strength from him, and experience most of the supplies of divine strength and grace.

We don't always feel strong, but I think that's the way it should be.  When we feel strong because of our own strength, we are actually weak, and we're setting ourselves up for failure.  But when we find our strength in Jesus, when we are weak, His grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

Forgiveness

I finished the book of Genesis with today's Bible reading.  The forgiving spirit of Joseph is beautiful.  It does make me wonder about Potiphar's wife.  Where was she when Joseph came into prominence?  Could he say to her, "But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive."  She was part of the plan to put Joseph in prison as well.

Forgiveness.  Jesus and Peter talked about it in Matthew 28:21-22 "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?  Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven."

I've often thought of that as 490 different offenses that must be forgiven, but lately I've realized that there are some offenses that need to be forgiven over and over.  We say, "I forgive you," and mean it.  The offender goes away forgiven, but our hearts are still battered.  The letter is thrown away, but the words are imprinted in our minds.  And we must forgive again.  And again.

I know.  I've struggled with this in the past year.  I was the recipient of such a letter.  Harsh and cruel words, lashing out at me.  I could have defended myself and pushed the blame back, but I just said I'm sorry.  The letter writer then asked my forgiveness and I gave it.  The letter is long gone, but some mornings I wake up with its entire contents flashing before me.  I don't think they have any idea how much they hurt me.  And the cost of forgiveness?  Seventy times seven, because I refuse to wrap myself in bitterness to make the pain quit hurting.

There are times we all want to lash out.  Please don't.  President Lincoln learned to control the impulse to lash out.  His anger occasionally consumed him, making him pour it out in letters to critics, errant generals, and others.  But he never sent the letters.  I know there are scriptures about going to your brother to resolve an issue, but the words of Jesus are "be reconciled to thy brother," not "get it off your chest."

It's a new day.  Start it fresh with forgiveness, even if it's seventy times eight.

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”
― C.S. Lewis

Resentment

The world is mourning the loss of Nelson Mandela today.  The former South African prisoner, then president, died yesterday at age 95.  USA Today had 15 of his best quotes, I really like this one:

"Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies."

I don't pretend to understand world politics, and I'm sure he made his share of mistakes, but one thing Nelson Mandela was known for was how he acted when finally freed from prison.  After 27 years, he did not come out looking for revenge, but peace and reconciliation.

We have all had situations that could cause resentment.  We've been talked about, mistreated, and hurt.  Often the offender is gone from our lives, but the pain lives on.  Holding on to resentment towards someone who has moved on only hurts us.  I posted "Don't Decorate Your Cell" more than three years ago, but I was reminded of it this morning.  We can't wrap ourselves in our hurts, living there everyday, and hope to have peace.

The holidays are often very painful times for people.  The "most wonderful time of the year" brings families together and hurts are revisited.  Know this - some people will never change, even family members.  They will continue in their behaviors, leaving a path of destruction in their wake and walking away unscathed.

Jesus said in John 10:10 "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly."  Don't drink the poison of resentment, give your hurts to Him and live abundantly.

Happy Friday!

I know I disappeared this week - sorry about that!  After my fall on Tuesday, it was very difficult to type on our laptop.  We don't have a computer desk or chair, so it was a bit uncomfortable...

I may have also been a little distracted by the view!

My wounds are healing nicely.  Although my legs look like they belong to a five year old!

Have a great weekend!

Scars

Warning:  Slightly graphic picture below.

I had a very interesting conversation on Sunday.  One of my friends was talking about a scar she has on her leg from a motorcycle accident.  Her skirts always hide it, so I've never seen it and don't know how bad it is.  I started telling her about a scar I have on my head.  "See, right here," I said, as I pointed.  She said, "I don't even see it." I went home and looked in the mirror and she was right.  I could hardly see it and I knew where to look!

I received this scar when I was in the 9th grade.  It was Friday night after youth service.  My sister, a friend, and I were going out to eat.  We stopped at a stop sign.  A frontage road was to my right.  A car came up the frontage road, didn't stop at a stop sign, and broadsided us.  None of us were wearing seat belts (it wasn't the law back then.)  I was thrown into the windshield.  This is what I looked like the next day:

If I I remember correctly, I received about 50 stitches.  A portion of my hair, that had never been cut, was shaved off.  I don't remember anything from the time we were hit until I awoke in the hospital.  I was able to go home that night.

“Scars show us where we have been, they do not dictate where we are going.”
 ~ David Rossi

That was almost 35 years ago.  The physical scar has faded, but the mental scar remains.  I still picture myself with a much larger scar.  I really thought, when I pointed it out to my friend, that she would see how horrible it was.

I don't even know the name of the man who hits us that night.  I never met him, but I've never forgotten what he did.  The outward scar has almost vanished, but if I rub in just the right spot, I can still feel the mark that was left that night.

We all have scars.  Some are in our flesh, others in our hearts and minds.  Scars that no one sees, but we still remember how we got them.

More people have been hurt by a careless tongue than a sharp sword.
~ Mom's Bible

As we go through life, we can be as careless as the young man who ran the stop sign that night.  He got in a car that was not his and left a scar in my life.  Our words, even those spoken in jest or carelessly, can also inflict scars.  The wound will heal, but the bearer of the scar will remember the one who inflicted the pain.

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.
Psalm 19:14

On the Other Hand

I took a bit of a tumble while out running this morning. You can read all about it here.

Remembering 9/11 ~ 10 Years Later

It's hard to believe it's been 10 years since the terrorist attacks. Growing up, I remember hearing people say, "I remember exactly where I was when I heard that JFK was shot" and I didn't understand. Unfortunately, now I do. The flood of emotions will not be forgotten.


I was working at Amgen at the time and was on my way to work when I first heard the news. Both Towers had been hit, along with the Pentagon. What in the world was going on? What an eerie feeling, so sobering and frightening. I looked into the shocked faces of my co-workers and knew that's what I looked like as well. I don't remember getting any work done that day. Just staring at the images on my computer, reading over and over reports of the attacks.


We in California were blessed that none of the attacks occurred in our state, but the impact was still felt. As the day progressed, word spread that an Amgen Clinical Development team had been in Washington, D.C. The team was there for meetings with the FDA regarding approval for a new drug. Later in the day, team members checked in, reporting they were okay, but stranded in D.C. for the time being. They had been scheduled for a Tuesday afternoon flight. Then we got word that Dora Menchaca, the team leader, had changed her flight to Tuesday morning. She was on American flight 77 that flew into the Pentagon.


I remember the first time we flew after 9/11. We flew from the Burbank airport and I was a nervous wreck. The sight of guardsmen did not give me comfort, it just reminded me of all that was lost on the day.


I'm sure there will be more eloquent posts on other blogs, because this is a tough one. My nature is to look for the good, the joyous, write encouraging things. But some days we just need to pause and remember the pain and pray for those who are hurting.