I'm re-posting something I wrote in August. The title of the post was "Strong." I'm so thankful for my Mom's example of holding on, even when she didn't feel strong.
Pastor White recommended a couple of
books during last Wednesday night's Bible study. He taught about
"Persecution and the People of God." (You can listen to Part 1 and 2 here.)
The books he recommended were "Fox's Book of Martyrs" and "The Way
Called Heresy." We have both of these books but I have not been able to
located "The Way Called Heresy."
During
my searching, I stumbled upon a book that belonged to my Mom. It is a
journal that was given to her on her 54th birthday - January 1, 1994.
All the staff from Truth Tabernacle Christian School signed it. She was
going to be off work for a few weeks because she was having knee
surgery.
My memories of 1994 are tough. The Northridge Earthquake happened on January 17th. Rod's declining health and his passing on June 22nd. Mom's cancer returned later that summer.
Mom's
writing in this particular journal are more raw than anything else of
hers that I have. At times she wrote words of encouragement, but then
she wrote how she was feeling:
January 6
Sometimes the Lord calms the storm; sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.
I don't feel calm today.
January 7
I survived the surgery. PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN all day, all night.
January 8
Everything seems better in the daylight. I feel tough again :)
Mother's Day weekend - went to Kathy and Les'... had a great time.
Mother's Day banquet very nice, church on Sunday A.M just for me.
June 22
I
can barely read, much less type, all that she wrote on that day. She
spent the day with Rod until an ambulance came around 1:30, two hours
later: "Rod is at home with the Lord. My heart is bleeding."
Two days later she wrote about his funeral, "absolutely beautiful... I feel the peace that passeth understanding, I know Rod is safe at home with Jesus."
The next two entries are not dated:
People say I'm strong but I don't feel strong.
Summer has been a blur: times of happiness with the grandkids but all tinged with my deep hurt.
I
remember that summer well. One of the things I remember the most is
seeing Mom and Dad for the first time after Rod's funeral. It seemed
like they had aged a decade in about a month's time. The blur that was
the summer of 1994 didn't get better...
August 20
Time for yearly chest x-ray.
August 23
Call from nurse Lynette, changes since last year.
August 24
CAT scan
August 25
Call from Dr. Medrano
Cancer
I really don't feel strong now, but God is still in control.
August 26
Start chemo
September 7, 8, 9
Helped out at T.T.C.S. I didn't know how much I would miss it...
That
was the final entry. Her cancer battle went on another four years.
Highs and lows, joys and sorrows. The one thing that stood out to me
was what she wrote twice, "I don't feel strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.
Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the
power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in
infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in
distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."
David Guzik's Enduring Word Commentary says:
What
triumph! What can the world do to such a man so firm in the grip of
Jesus? God did not allow this thorn in the flesh to punish Paul, or to
keep him weak for the sake of weakness. God allowed it to show a divine
strength in Paul.
Think about this
man Paul. Was he a weak man or a strong man? The man who traveled around
the ancient world spreading the gospel of Jesus despite the fiercest
persecutions, who endured shipwrecks and imprisonment, who preached to
kings and slaves, who established strong churches and trained up their
leaders was not a weak man. In light of his life and accomplishments, we
would say that Paul was a very strong man. But he was only strong
because he knew his weaknesses, and looked outside of himself for the
strength of God’s grace. If we are going to live lives of such strength,
we also must understand and admit our weaknesses, and look to God alone
for the favor, approval and work of grace that will strengthen us for
any task. It was the grace-filled Paul who said, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)Albert Barnes' Notes on the Bible says:
When
I feel weak; when I am subjected to trial, and nature faints and fails,
then strength is imparted to me, and I am enabled to bear all. The more
I am borne down with trials, the more do I feel my need of divine
assistance, and the more do I feel the efficacy of divine grace. Such
was the promise in Deuteronomy 33:25; “As thy days, so shall thy
strength be.” So in Hebrews 11:24; “Who out of weakness were made
strong.” What Christian has not experienced this, and been able to
say that when he felt himself weak and felt like sinking under the
accumulation of many trials, he has found his strength according to his
day, and felt an arm of power supporting him? It is then that the
Redeemer manifests himself in a special manner; and then that the
excellency of the religion of Christ is truly seen and its power
appreciated and felt.
Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Whole Bible says:
This is a Christian paradox: when we are weak in ourselves, then we are strong in the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ; when we see ourselves weak in ourselves, then we go out of ourselves to Christ, and are qualified to receive strength from him, and experience most of the supplies of divine strength and grace.
