When Christmas Punches You in the Heart

I've written a lot about Christmas during my ten years of blogging.  I plan to re-post some of those in the next days or weeks.  I've shared about my first Christmas after Rod passed away, Crying Over Jingle Bell Rock, but I've never shared the first time I heard "The Christmas Shoes."

I'm pretty sure it was December 1998.  Mom had only been gone a couple of months.  I have no idea what the church Christmas program was about that year, but I do remember someone singing "The Christmas Shoes."  Somehow I had never heard that song before.  I was so completely unprepared for it...

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if mama meets Jesus tonight

It was the words in the second verse that hit the hardest:

He said mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without...

My Mom loved Christmas.  She loved giving gifts to her family.  She loved making candy and giving it away.  Her birthday was one week later on New Year's Day and she often got the "it's for your birthday and Christmas" gifts with little celebration.

When I heard that song that night, I just sat with tears streaming down my face.  Oh how I missed her!  The most wonderful time of the year hurt so much.  Twenty years later, Mom is still missed.

Maybe this is your first Christmas without someone.  All the hearts singing and bells ringing when loved ones are near is just a reminder of your loss.  It is going to hurt.  Don't be afraid to cry.  You don't have to explain yourself.  Many of us have been there.  That punch to the heart is a reminder of love you've shared.  But with the pain I hope you will take time to remember the joy they brought. Recreate a special tradition, hold close a decoration from long ago, and let the memories warm your heart.